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My youngest is a college freshman, my middle daughter is a college junior, and my eldest has started her first career job out of college. So when I ask whether we’re raising kids who can handle the real world, I’m asking as a mama who has watched all three of her girls walk out the door and start figuring things out for themselves.

And yes, their dad and I are still here. They call. We talk things through. We help when they need help. But I’ve been thinking about the difference between helping our children and doing so much for them that they never get a chance to learn.

I talked about this on The Mamas and Coffee Show, and the conversation went everywhere from basic household chores, advocating for yourself with teachers, to disagreements with friends, to college laundry rooms, to curfews, and to calling your own doctor (cause, YES! Your girl is a yapper). Tiana, our dog and self-appointed joy manager, even barked from the other room to add her two cents. This is a LIVE show, folks. Everybody gets a turn.

The life skills kids need before leaving home

During the show, I asked what life skill every child should learn before leaving home. My answer was communication. A young person needs to be able to ask a question, explain what they need, tell someone when something is wrong, and speak up when a mistake has been made. That matters at school, at work, at the doctor’s office, and just about everywhere else life takes them.

Someone in the comments said laundry, and I had to give that answer its flowers too.

My eldest called me from college once, amazed that some of the students there didn’t know how to wash their clothes. I was amazed right along with her. I stopped washing my girls’ clothes when they were around eight years old. Was every load perfect? Probably not. Did they learn? Yes. Because sooner or later, you need clean clothes, and nobody wants to be the person walking around campus smelling like a forgotten gym bag.

There are plenty of other basics we can teach at home: cleaning up after yourself, preparing a few meals, keeping track of deadlines, filling out forms, and managing your time. Some kids pick things up by watching us. Others need us to slow down and show them. Either way, we can’t assume they’ll magically know how to do it the day they leave home.

Now, let me confess something before my mama finds this article. When I was a teenager, she wanted the house cleaned on Fridays. Sometimes I sprayed a little air freshener, wiped one spot with furniture polish, and headed out. The place smelled like cleaning had happened. Whether cleaning actually happened was another matter entirely. Mama, if you’re reading this, I’m 49. The statute of limitations on that Friday has surely expired.

When should parents step in?

We want to protect our kids. I get it. If they’re uncomfortable, we feel uncomfortable. If a teacher makes a mistake or they have an argument with a friend, our first instinct may be to grab the phone and fix it.

BUT there are times when our children can take the first step, with us nearby to help them think it through.

One of my daughters was marked absent when she had actually been late to class. That distinction mattered because an unexcused absence affected whether she could make up her work. I told her to speak with her teacher. If that didn’t resolve it, she could send an email. I would help her figure out what to say, but she needed the practice saying it.

That practice grows with them. One day it’s a teacher. Later it’s a professor, a landlord, a coworker, or a boss. Mama cannot call the boss every time there’s an issue. Trust me, we may have thoughts, but our grown-ish child needs to be able to have that conversation.

The same goes for appointments. By their junior year of high school, I had my girls call to make their own doctor’s appointments. I was right there if they had a question. When they were younger and I took them to the doctor, I encouraged them to explain what was wrong in their own words. After all, it wasn’t my stomach hurting.

Letting kids deal with consequences

One of my daughters recently felt sick and emailed her college professor to say she wouldn’t be in class. He asked whether she had a doctor’s note. She didn’t, so she had a decision to make under his attendance policy: take an unexcused absence or go get checked out and obtain a note. She chose to go to urgent care, and she handled it herself.

I’m glad she called me. I want my girls to know they can always call me. But she was the one who contacted her professor, weighed her options, and decided what to do next. That’s what growing up looks like sometimes. It isn’t a dramatic movie scene with inspiring music playing in the background. Sometimes it’s a syllabus, an email, and a trip to urgent care when you already feel lousy.

The small decisions count too. A missed deadline, a forgotten assignment, a disagreement with a roommate: we can listen and offer guidance while giving our kids room to work through what happens next.

Preparing kids for the real world starts early

This doesn’t suddenly begin when we drop them off at college. We can start when they’re little, in ways that fit their age and needs. They can learn to respect other people and their belongings. They can help clean up. They can practice asking for what they need and dealing with someone they don’t particularly like.

Because that last skill follows you well into adulthood!!!! There will be a classmate, coworker, or Sally at the social club who gets on your last nerve. You may still have to speak to Sally and enjoy the club you came there for.

Every child is different, and what they need from us will look different too. I’d especially love to hear from parents whose children need a different kind of support as they learn these skills. This is a conversation, and I’m sharing my perspective from raising my three girls.

I also believe parents should keep talking with their kids about what comes after high school. College is one path. Trade school, the military, work, and building a business are others. Ask what interests them. Tell them what possibilities you know about. Help them find out what steps their own goals require.

I’ll always be their mama

My eldest has called me for advice as she starts her career after college. Of course I’m going to answer. I want all three of my girls to bring me their questions, their frustrations, and their good news for as long as they want to call.

I also want them to trust themselves to make the phone call, ask the question, wash the clothes, and handle the awkward conversation. Some days they’ll get it right. Some days they’ll call me afterward and say, “Okay, Mama, here’s what happened.” We’ll talk about it, and they’ll get to hear my homegirl responses. Cause yes, mom and homegirl conversations are different.

We even took a Brew Box question about teen curfews during the show. Because apparently preparing kids for the real world also means deciding what time they need to be back in your world. I have some thoughts on that one. I even made a teenage confession involving a locked door—but I’ll save that story for another day.

That was the heart of our conversation on the show. How do we give our kids the help they need while letting them build a life they know how to manage?

And now I want to hear from you: What’s one life skill you think every child should learn before leaving home? Tell me in the comments, then watch the full conversation on The Mamas and Coffee Show. Bring your perspective. You know I’m always ready to yap about it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the grocery store. When the girls were home, I could send one of them with a budget and let her keep the change. A real-world lesson for her and one less grocery run for me. Everybody learned something.

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